That's when you crack a 10am beer
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
