i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
