Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
