I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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