i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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