I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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