This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
