tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
