make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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