Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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