too bad you live with your parents still
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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