everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
