Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
