Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
