we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think I just sharted jello shots
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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