I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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