If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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