I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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