I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize