my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize