my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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