This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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