i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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