It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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