yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
