I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
