So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
