im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
