Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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