I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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