I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
