I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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