I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
