Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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