there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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