I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
