my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
