omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
