Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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