so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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