How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
