Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
