I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
id be glad to
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
