my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
