I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
