Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
