Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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