Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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