can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize