my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
