i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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