Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize