I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
