I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
