you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
